


Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

by Owl_Lady



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Blonde Spock, Christine Chapel mentioned, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kirk loves blondes, Light Angst, M/M, Makeup, Slightly crack, Spock wears makeup, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 18:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17249492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owl_Lady/pseuds/Owl_Lady
Summary: Spock notices that his bondmate has a type, blondes.Spock is obviously not blonde.Yet.





	Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> So I'm doing a rewatch of TOS with my roommate and they came up with this hilarious headcannon that Kirk only fucks with blondes. It's like 98% accurate and it's funny as hell to me. While we where talking about it I came up with the idea that maybe once, to get Kirk's attention, he dyed his hair blonde since Kirk only goes after blondes. We both thought it was hilarious and I HAD to write it.
> 
> It's been a LOOOOOONNNNGG time since I wrote any Star Trek stuff. I think the last time I did I was in Junior High and i am dead ass almost through with college now. It was really fun to get back into the characters.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

To be fair, this was all Star Fleet’s fault. 

 

Spock loved having a bondmate, don’t, as his bondmate would say, “get it twisted”. It was just the…logistics of having a bondmate in Star Fleet that he wasn’t ecstatic over.

 

When they first got together over five months ago they decided to keep it to themselves. Spock wasn’t hurt by this, it was actually pretty practical. Star Fleet still didn’t have concrete rules about fraternization between First Officers and Captains (they hadn’t had to have any until Captain Pike and Number One came along) and they didn’t want to risk them being separated. Also, Spock wasn’t brave enough yet to venture into the human world of public displays of affection. This gave him some time to become used to these actions in private. All in all, Spock had no problem with not being public with Jim yet. 

 

However, that is a lie.

 

Many complimentary things can be said of Jim Kirk. One of these many compliments is that he is dedicated, almost to a fault. The loyalty he shows to his friends and crew is astounding, and the care he’s taken to understanding and adapting to Spock’s culture is heartwarming. It shouldn’t have been a shock then when Spock in a lapse of logical judgment suggested this that Jim would jump into it 100%, but here we are.

 

Spock had been in the geology lab overlooking some soil samples they had collected on their survey of Levinius V. While it was widely known that all the geologists aboard where horrible gossips, Spock never paid them much mind when he was in the labs. However, as he was examining the mineral content of some clay he overheard Dr. Frasier say the name “Kirk”. Spock attempted to shut them out but an overwhelming need to know what they were talking about employed him to use his Vulcan hearing.

 

“You’re talking out of your ass Karlan”

 

“I am not, the Captain is totally dating someone”

 

“You’re just trying to come up with excuses for why he’s not dating you”

 

Spock’s hand momentarily paused in the dial of his microscope. Not because Dr. Frasier wanted to be with Jim (Jim? With a geologist? The thought is almost laughable) but that they were becoming obvious. Spock was sure they had taken every precaution. No touching outside of their rooms, they only call each other by last names/rank (that one Jim ignored but he’d ignored it before they were dating so it was super important), and they even went as far as to lie about what they did after hours so it wasn’t obvious that they were together all the time. Where had they gone wrong?

 

“I’m not coming up with excuses. Haven’t you noticed that he’s been acting differently”

 

“Not really”

 

“Oh come on, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone in months. He used to pick up a new partner ever other mission and now its been no one for months”

 

“Maybe he's trying to cool it before he gets Space Herpes”

 

“OR he’s got someone tucked away and he’s keeping them a secret” 

 

“OR he’s turned 30 and he wants different things in life than hooking up with a new alien every week”

 

Or he’s turned 30 and he wants different things in life so he’s hooking up with the _same_ alien every week, Spock thought to himself. 

 

He hadn’t taken his bondmate’s extracurricular activities into mind before. Of course, it was noticeable that he just suddenly stopped "hooking up” with people on missions. It’s a wonder that more people haven’t started to notice, especially their friends. 

 

So he suggested, later that night in the privacy of Jim’s quarters, that he should start acting like he had before they started dating.

 

This did not go as Spock had intended.

 

“I just don’t understand why you want me to sleep with other people Spock”

 

“I don’t want you to sleep with other people. I am only comfortable with you kissing other people”

 

“ _Spock_ ”

 

“Ashayam if we want our relationship to stay a secret then it must appear as if you are single”

 

“Or we could just tell everyone”

 

“And risk being separated”

 

“Spock I love you, I don’t wanna go around kissing people who aren’t you. I may have gotten around back in the day but I’m not a cheater”

 

“I believe cheating only occurs when the other partner has not consented to the other relationship. Since I have given you my consent, you are therefore not cheating on me” 

 

Jim took a long pause before speaking again.

 

“…..I just want you to remember that this was _your_ idea not mine”

 

And oh how Spock remembers. Jim, being the dedicated partner he is, shoved himself full force into the act. Almost every mission Spock would find the Captain with his arm wrapped around some native to the planet or a Star Fleet dignitary. Did Spock feel great about watching his bondmate kiss the Princess of Daran V in front of the entire landing party? No. Did it send spikes of rage up his spine and make his body hum with anger? Also no. No matter what or who Jim did on missions, he always came home to Spock. He only said “I love you” to Spock. However…..there was one thing about this arrangement that Spock had not anticipated and drove him, to borrow from Dr. McCoy’s language, “up the fucking wall”.

 

Blonde.

 

All of them are fucking blonde.

 

It didn’t matter if they were male, female, non-conforming, humanoid, silicon-based, eight-legged, or even a figment of the imagination.

 

They

 

Are

 

All

 

Blonde

 

He assumed that Jim had a type, most humans do. If you had asked him a month ago what his Jim’s type was he would have said “dark hair, tall, lanky but still healthy looking”, but OH what a fool he has been. Every single one of Kirk’s hook-ups had blonde hair, they were all at least three inches short than him, and they all looked NOTHING like Spock. Even when Spock thought back to all the people Jim hooked up with before they were together. They were all blonde. 

 

Did Jim not find Spock attractive? He obviously preferred people that didn’t look like him. But Jim had always called him “beautiful” and “gorgeous” when they were together. Perhaps that was a lie. Jim wouldn’t lie to him…right? They are t’hy’la, they are drawn to each other, how could Jim not think him attractive? But what if being drawn to a person and being attracted to a person aren’t the same thing. What if Jim is drawn to a person he finds hideous? 

 

Spock contemplated this question for a long time but eventually came to a conclusion. Jim did love him for who he was, he just didn’t think he was attractive, or at least as attractive as he would have liked.

 

This would not do.

 

So Spock went to the replicator to do the only thing logical to solve this problem. If gentlemen (and Jim) prefer blondes, then Spock was going to become a blonde.

 

 

And that is how we arrived at the current situation.

 

It turns out, bleaching hair is a harder task than Spock had anticipated. The first obstacle was the overwhelming chemical smell. It made him want to pass out. Was that smell normal or had he mixed something wrong? The second obstacle was getting an even coat of bleach. This was made nearly impossible because he couldn’t see. The smell of bleach had made his eyes water and he was nearly blind. Finally, the waiting. Since his hair was black, he had to wait the longest amount of time for the bleach to take effect. This normally wouldn’t be a problem. Vulcans are a very patient race and have no problems waiting for long periods of time. This would have also been true in this case if Spock’s scalp didn’t feel like it was being dug into by hundreds of Ceti eels. Spock had read the box of bleach beforehand and it told him that a “mild tingly sensation” would occur but this was nowhere near mild by anyone’s standards. Spock then sat through the recommended 60 minutes of time, checking every 10 minutes on the progress. After the 60 minutes where up, he nearly ran to the shower to wash the bleach from his hair. He then got out of the shower, grabbed a towel and towel dried his hair quickly. Then he pulled the towel away from his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

 

Oh Surak

 

Oh

 

Oh no

 

This….

 

NO

 

Spock’s hair was bright orange. BRIGHT orange. Why was it not blonde. He was promised blonde. Spock tentatively raised a hand to the offending hair and touched it. It didn’t feel significantly different, only more….straw-like. 

 

Jim was never going to want to look at him again, let alone touch him. Spock stood in front of the mirror for a long while trying to contemplate what he was going to do. He supposed he had two choices. Try and dye it back black, or….get rid of it. Going back to his natural color defeated the entire purpose of this trial he had been through, it was not logical. However while Jim had never shown interest in anyone with black hair, he’d shown even LESS interest in partners without any hair at all. Spock tried to picture himself bald and he DID NOT like what he saw. This was hopeless.

 

He walked out of the bathroom and into his quarters to re-clothe himself. He also picked up and threw away all of the offending bleaching products. He avoided looking in the bathroom mirror as much as possible but every once in a while he would catch a glimpse of himself. It took all of his Vulcan mental fortitude not to collapse into a pile of self-loathing.

 

After Spock had finished he looked at the clock. His eyes widened, Jim would get off of his shift in thirty minutes. Spock DID NOT panic and begin to pace the room. He was just calmly contemplating his options. 

 

Suddenly a small ding came from the area of his desk. He walked over to his desk and saw a notification on his Padd. It was from Uhura.

 

 

 

**Hey did you get the translation of that tablet from Argus X, I had one of my ensigns deliver it so I’m just checking to make sure it got to you-N.U.**

 

 

 

Spock’s brain finally clicked. Uhura was probably knowledgeable about hair, or at least more knowledgeable that he was. Even if she wasn’t, she was more sociable with the members of the crew and might know someone who was knowledgeable. He quickly sent back a message.

 

 

 

**I did receive the translations, thank you. I have a request of you, as a friend. Would you be willing to let me come over to your quarters at this very moment?-S-T.S.**

 

 

 

He waited anxiously for a reply. Eventually, his Padd dinging again.

 

 

 

**Sure? What is this about?-N.U.**

 

 

 

**All will become clear when I arrive. I will see you momentarily-S-T.S.**

 

 

 

Spock nearly stepped out of the door, until he remembered himself. He couldn’t go outside like this. What if someone saw him and told Jim? He looked around the room for something to cover his head. Nothing. He walked towards his closet, looking for anything he could use.

 

Spock looked and finally found something in the back of his closet. It was a nice black woolen hat that he wore on missions where he could not present himself as Vulcan. He quickly snatched the hat and put it on over his head. He attempted to pull it down over all of the orange hair, but he knew that part of the nape of his neck was still showing. Maybe if he walked quickly no one would notice. Nyota’s quarters were only a deck below his. 

 

Spock exited the door and walked with increased speed to the elevator to take him to Deck 4. A few crewmen passed him in the hall but no one seemed to notice anything strange about him. He made his way into the elevator which was thankfully empty and pushed the button to take him to Deck 4. The ride seemed to go far slower than normal, much to slow for Spock’s standard. He would remind Mr. Scott to check them and make sure they were functioning properly. Eventually, the doors opened and Spock hustled his way to Nyota’s room. Of course, it was near the end of the hall, but there seemed to be fewer people milling about this deck. He made it to the outside of her door and buzzed to be let it. A few seconds later the doors woodshed opened and Spock all but leaped inside.

 

“Spock, what the hell is going on….why are you wearing that hat?” Nyota asked as the doors shut behind Spock.

 

“I am wearing it to conceal a mistake that I have made” Spock said. Just after he finished his sentence he ripped his hat off. Nyota stared at him for a few seconds too long. Spock shuffled under her gaze. Then her lips pursed and her hand flew over her mouth. Her shoulders began to shake and within seconds Spock could hear the laughter escaping her mouth.

 

“I fail to see why this is funny Nyota” Spock said sternly. This broke Nyota who let go of her inhibitions and laughed with reckless abandonment. Her hands flew to her stomach as she doubled over in laughter. 

 

“Nyota I don’t know how to fix this please stop laughing at me” Spock said, hoping to appeal to her. It did not work. Now she had a few tears welling up in her eyes and she was laughing so hard that hardly any sound was coming out. Nyota used her index fingers to wipe away some tears that had strayed down her cheeks.

 

“It’s okay Spock” She said before her next bout of laughter hit her.

 

“It is very much not okay Nyota. My hair is orange” Spock said. As he finished his sentence Uhura erupted in another large bout of laughter.

 

“ _Nyota_ ”

 

“I’m sorry Spock but you have to admit this is very funny” Uhura said as she slowly composed herself. 

 

“Vulcans find nothing funny” Spock said as he crossed his arms. Uhura rolled her eyes and stepped closer to Spock.

 

“Why the hell were you trying to do?” She said as she reached her hand up to touch his hair. Now that it was dry it was even more straw-like than before. It had also lost a considerable amount of shine. 

 

“I was attempting to change my hair color by bleaching it” Spock replied. 

 

“No shit. What color were you going for” She asked, taking her hand away and crossing her arms. Spock found himself unable to hold her gaze and he dropped his eyes to the floor. He mumbled his answer.

 

“Not all of us have Vulcan hearing Spock speak up” Nyota said. 

 

“Blunnmed”

 

“Spock if you want me to help you than I have to know what you want to be done to it. We can easily take it back to black, but if that’s not what you want then I need to kno-”

 

“Blonde……I want to be blonde” Spock interrupted her. 

 

“Why…..why the hell do you want to be blonde” Nyota asked. Spock snapped his eyes back up to hers.

 

“My hair choices are frankly none of your business. I’ve come here to ask for your help as a friend. If you aren’t going to help me then I will leave” Spock snapped at her. Nyota didn’t seem to budge, she only sighed.

 

“I’m just not sure if it’s your color”

 

 

 

~~~~~~~

 

 

Spock looked in the bathroom mirror of his quarters at his hair. He would be sending Nyota a VERY nice present in the near future. His hair was blonde, truly blonde. He had originally aimed for a more natural honey color but she had convinced him to go platinum and he had to agree it looked better on him. She had also pointed that he needed to bleach his eyebrows. He didn’t have many hairs on his eyebrows (thanks to his over plucking as a teen) but the black hairs would DEFINITELY show through blonde eyebrow makeup. 

 

The process to fix his hair took significantly less time than he had anticipated. Apparently, Nyota knew that Nurse Chapel had picked up a hair color changing device on Beta Aurigae that could change hair colors in mere minutes. What had taken him almost an hour and a half to mess up had taken 10 minutes to fix. 

 

After Spock had left Nurse Chapel’s quarters he had 15 minutes before Jim was supposed to get off of his shift. He spent that time put his makeup back on. The blonde eyebrow pomade that Nurse Chapel had let him borrow looked strange on him, but he would most likely get used to it. He hesitated to dip into his blue eyeshadows. They would look far more prominent with blonde hair. He ended up going for medium browns with a deep chocolate shadow on the lid. Jim would appreciate a nice brown smokey eye. Finally, he added a quick layer of tinted moisturizer and a pale pink lip tint. Spock finished his nice natural look and looked at the clock.

 

Jim would be home any second, that is if no deadly situation kept him on the bridge or some crew member stopped him in the halls. 

 

Spock decided that he need to be the first thing Jim saw when he entered the door. So he walked through their shared bathroom and into Jim’s quarters. He thought about lying or sitting on the bed, but that was out of the immediate eyeline of someone entering the room. It was probably best to sit at his desk. But this would make it harder for Jim to get to him. If he was so overcome by lust at the sight of his blonde hair then he’d probably end up climbing over the desk to get to him. Maybe if Spock leaned against the desk….yes. That would put him in a perfect position to be seen and….enjoyed by Jim. Spock got into position just as he heard Kirk typing in the access code to his room.

 

The door whooshed open and in stepped Jim.

 

“Spock are you home? We found some really neat stuff down on the planet they have these things cal-“ Jim said as he entered his quarters. He stopped cold in his tracks when his eyes landed on Spock. Spock tried to read his expression but it was completely blank. He was frozen in place.

 

“Jim” Spock said, attempting to release him from his hold. Jim just blinked several times.

 

“Spock” He eventually said. He still made no move towards Spock, which wasn’t a positive sign. 

 

“You…..you….you’re blonde” Kirk said eventually. Spock felt himself smirk slightly.

 

“Yes I am Captain” Spock said, choosing to use Jim rank. Maybe he also liked the element of superiority that often came with his trysts with _blondes_. 

 

“Why” Jim asked. Spock paused. He didn’t want him to know the _actual_ reason, that would make him appear jealous. However, Vulcans do not lie.

 

“I….wanted a change” Spock eventually settled one. It was true, but he didn’t exactly specify what change he would have preferred.

 

“You wanted a change…..so you…so you’re blonde now” Jim said, slowly moving away from the door and towards Spock. Spock felt his heart rate increase.

 

“Do you like it, Jim?” Spock asked when Jim was right in front of him. Jim stared at his hair while he was half a foot away from his face. This was a result Spock had not anticipated. Would Jim be too enraptured by his hair to pay attention to him? That could prove to be….problematic.

 

“Do you want my honest answer”

 

“Always”

 

“Are you sure?” Jim said now turned his eyes to Spock’s own.

 

“I would not have said I wanted it if I didn’t” Spock replied.

 

“Ok cool then, I fucking hate it” Jim said. Now it was Spock’s turn to be shocked. None of this made sense. Jim loved blondes and he said he loved him….why did he hate this?

 

“I don’t understand”

 

“Neither do I darling. Why did you fuck up your gorgeous hair?” Jim said as he reached up his hand to run in through Spock’s hair. It didn’t feel as “dead” as it had earlier. It had lost a lot of its shine, but Spock attributed that to the lighter color of his hair which didn’t reflect light as well as his natural color. Jim still grimaced as he touched it as if it was causing him physical pain.

 

“I…you liked my hair?” Spock asked. Jim stopped messing with his hair and returned his attention back to Spock.

 

“Spock I loved your hair. It was one of your best features. That and your eyes, and your legs, and your chest, and your eyebrows, OH and your ears how could I forget” Jim said, his eyes growing softer which each body part he listed off.

 

“But….I am not your type” Spock said. Jim’s face twisted into confusion.

 

“Where the hell did you get that idea?” Jim said. Spock didn’t say anything and he felt his mouth tighten involuntarily. 

 

“ _Spock_ , who told you that you aren’t my type? Besides that, why the hell did you believe them?” Jim asked, he removed his hand from his hair and trailed it down his cheek. 

 

“No one said anything to me, Jim, I simply observed and saw the truth for myself” Spock said.

 

“Saw the truth??? Are your second eyelids down or something?” Jim said with an annoyed tone. Spock felt his eyebrows furrow.

 

“I simply observed that all of the people you chose to….romantically interact with are blonde. This includes people before and after we started dating. I, therefore, inferred that you prefer blondes” Spock said. Jim glared at him and took a step away from Spock.

 

“Spock, you are the one who told me to start making out with people on away missions. You can’t get jealous over something that YOU told me to do” Jim said, crossing his arms. 

 

“I am not jealous Jim, that is a human failing. I am simply pointing out that you prefer people with blonde hair” Spock said. Jim glared at him a pursed his lips. He then began to nod his head.

 

“Ok then Mr. Vulcan With No Emotions, please give me the logical reason for dying your hair blonde” Jim said.

 

“It’s is logical to try to please one’s partner” Spock said. Jim rolled his eyes.

 

“Spock cut the crap” Jim said back. A moment passed between them. At that moment, Jim’s gaze and demeanor softened and a look of realization came over him.

 

“Do you think I don’t think you’re attractive?” Jim asked. Spock hesitated before responding.

 

“No, it…it just is very obvious that I am not what you would prefer. You and I both know that we are t’hy’la and that we will be drawn to each other in every universe, no matter the situation….but it does not escape my attention that my form is not what pleases you most. I then believed that it was my duty as your t’hy’la to make myself as attractive as possible for you. This means that, if you prefer blondes, then I must dye my hair blonde.” Spock admitted. He watched as Jim slowly deflated. After he finished, Jim stepped closer and grabbed him lightly by the shoulders. 

 

“Darling, you are the most attractive person I have ever met. Your “form” pleases me to an extent that you will never fully understand. I look at you and see my heart personified, and that is far more beautiful to me than anything else in this universe” Jim said, moving his arms up from his shoulder to cup Spock’s face.

 

“But all the blon-“

 

“Spock…I’ll admit it. Blondes….they’re my weakness”

 

“So I was right”

 

“ _Hold on_ I wasn’t finished. Blondes are my weakness, but you are my strength. They might be pretty to look at, but they pale in comparison to my dark, handsome, Vulcan prince. Looking at you makes me go weak in the knees and _no_ blonde has ever done that to me” Jim said with as much love and appreciation as he possibly could.

 

“Spock, do you know what my type really is?” Jim asked. Spock squinted at him slightly.

 

“True love is my type. My type is that thing where I look at someone and my heart fills up with so much love I feel like I’m going to burst. My type is knowing that a person is going to have my back for the rest of my life. My type is a person who my soul craves no matter where or who we are. My type is a person who loves me so much that they go a do some stupid shit like fuck up their hair just because they put my needs ahead of their own. That last one I don’t necessarily condone, but it doesn’t make me love you any less. Yeah sure blondes are nice and all, but they pale in comparison to the sheer beauty of you my t’hy’la and they always will” Jim said as he gave Spock a cocky smirk. Then he leaned up and planted a small kiss on Spock’s lips. He pulled a few seconds later and ran his thumb over Spock’s cheekbone.

 

“Now, how do we fix this” Jim said as he pulled away from Spock and looked his hair over again. 

 

“Jim, what if I preferred my hair this way” Spock asked hypothetically. Jim, while unable to raise his eyebrow like Spock and Dr. McCoy, did his best at this moment.

 

“Do you?” Jim asked. Spock hesitated.

 

“No”

 

“Ok then, let’s go fix this”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, please leave a nice little comment/kudos, and as always THANKS FOR READING!


End file.
